I want you to understand.

I want you to understand.

You see I've become a sort of new person.
I've gone through transitions that I don't think many people have ever experienced in a lifetime.

I feel that this era, this period of time, isn't where I should be.
It's as if no one can truely relate to what I'm saying.
Now, I don't mean this as a cry for help or anything along those lines,
that's the last thing I need.

The way I view this issue, you ask?
People's minds are fickle and their answers are hardly clear.
We work on impluse and do whatever the hell we feel like doing.
Do we think of others? Hardly.
I believe the decision that's been made, is to benefit you not anybody else.

My eyes have seen more than enough,
Tasted a bit of poisen,
I've smelled bitter remorse,
Felt the touch of emptiness,
and heard everything I could bare.

I truely wanted you to understand,
to share this new found light with me,
yet you drew back in despair.
Because.

I always had this feeling you would never get far in life,
your eyes were closed off from the suffering that you caused.

You laughed at situations that never called for laughter,
with that your taste had lost all that was sensable and familiar to it.

The exaggeration and lies that came forward everyday,
seemed to alter your smell since now you've become to acostumed to your own foul stench.

Your hand always glided for something you were never supposed to have,
soon your touch had forgotten the true feeling of warmth.

The way you express your words into an unforgettable aggression,
made you loose your sense of hearing since now you only began to hear what you felt was neccesary.


Clearly I was mistaken,
I took your words to literal, I thought of them deeper than you intended them.
Your mind could never wrap around the words I had intended you to hear,
you on the other hand took my words the way I never wanted you to take them, literally.

Grown to love.

Grown to love.


We began really shaky.
I didn't know you and I was really shy to come up to you.
Like everyone else we had our problems.
In our time back in grade school,
I could hardly talk to you.
I felt stupid so, I turned my back on you,
and I didn't think I would ever try again.

Then graduation was done and I decided to start over,
this time in High School as a freshmen.
Was I scared? No, I was terrified.
First time I confronted you in front of 100 people.
I shook to keep myself from running away,
I used really simple words just to get by,
and once it was over I thought I'd just break down and cry.

Next a sophomore and this time I felt a little bit at ease.
I couldn't deny the fact that I was scared,
I still couldn't get over it.

Now a Junior except this time something hit me,
and I came across a whole new reality that I never wanted to admit.
You were my new type of addiction,
I couldn't get enough of you.
I looked forward to stand by you and for you to greet me,
not with just a smile, but also with open arms of acceptance,
knowing you would even if thousands of others wouldn't.
I no longer needed to hide my face behind paper,
or use simple words and rhymes to impress you.
Because you were my new passion, my new shelter.

You were everything I wanted, maybe even more.
But when you weren't around oh how lonely I felt.
How I ached to have you near.
And then yet again I realized something after all these years.

So I have finally mustered the courage to say,
In front of everyone in this room and
all those who happen to read this,
and any person that decides to listen that,
this theater, this stage is what kept me going,
because without her acceptance I couldn't have the courage to express my feelings.

I wouldn't have the courage.
The courage to say that without her, and without all of you,
heh I wouldn't be who I am today, I wouldn't be me.

Extinguished hope.

Extinguished hope.


My eyes have seen beyond life itself.
They have seen the very depths of hatred that came into existence.
They have witnessed the end of the time that stood beside you.

My eyes cannot stand what has come to greet them.
The countless lives that have been sacrificed for the sake of war,
The animosity that tore at our fellow brethren,
The starvation of our kin, who begged us for forgiveness,
The oppressors whom left thousands at the poverty level,
And the self inflicted violence that millions have done
in hopes to rid themselves of their depression.

My eyes have gazed upon the eyes of others and found that,
hope is no longer in existence.

Over the Top.

Over the Top.


My imagination used to exaggerate the simplest of thoughts.

Thus, I have come to a conclusion that
simplicity isn't at all simplistic.

Does that make sense? Oh god, now I'm just being rhetorical.

Here let me start over, to put it bluntly.
Over time I realized that "simple" things that stimulated my mind,
really weren't at all "simple."
In fact, there were probably the most difficult ideas that have ever crossed my mind.

These thoughts, these ideas were inevitable.
They were bound to come about soon or later.
Rather then sooner or later, never would have been sufficient enough for me,
yet that wasn't the case at all.

To complicate the matter, it appeared as though,
I felt compelled to carry out actions that never crossed my mind.
I began to feel that I was loosing my mind.
That everything just began to slip away.

Then it hit me like a bullet.
I had fallen into the trap called, "Love."

Individual.

Individual.


My jumbled words will keep you flustered,
My behavior will provoke your curiousity.
My thoughts will keep you intrigued,
with my every wish, will, and demand.

I'm the type of girl that you see strolling down the street and wonder out loud,
"What's her problem?"
While I turn around and shoot right back asking,
"Can I help you?"

I'm the type of person that could careless about what you say about they way I...

1. dress as in, ripped pants, tight shirts, and "battle armor" as in my belts, chains, and bandanas because I am my own individual and that's the way everyone should be.
2. talk as in loud, not obnoxious, but just so my point can be laid across the table. How I like to use my freedom of speech because not everybody has that and it's a privilege to obtain such a gift.
3. act as in the way I am, the way I work, I'm not somebody I'm not, I act the way I should and that's how I get through my everyday life.
and 4. feel as in how I vividly express my emotions clearly to somebody whether it's a undefining feeling of happiness, an overwhelming feeling of sadness and tears, or an unbelievable feeling of not necessarily hate, because hate is something no one should have but anger.

My jumbled words may not keep you flustered.
Maybe my behavior won't keep you curious.
But my thoughts, my thoughts will keep you thinking,
and will keep you wondering,
and will keep you asking,

"What's her problem?"

Initial.

Initial.


Originally my ulterior motive was to imagine you out of existence.
It was to disregard this entire thing, to plain and simply forget about everything.

I’ve never spoken this out loud but,
I've always had this overwhelming feeling of animosity that tore at me.
Hour after hour, day after day, month over month.

It consumes my thoughts, my actions, my every day life.
I’ve tried to conceal it, I’ve tried to deny it, yet nothing resulted except more distress inflicted upon myself.

Nothing seemed to work, nothing seems to be working.

Initially I never had a motive for anything.
Until I met you…

Frightened.

Frightened.


This never ending phone call echos throughout my ears.
Messages that have an undefined sense of sorrow,
pain, hostility, unrequited love, and possession.
Never want to abandon by mind.

The time has struck.
And I don't want this moment to come into existance.

Help me release my self-hatred for loving him.
Help me engulf myself in sincerity.
Don't let me live my life in fear.
Don't let me be driven by insanity.

The time has proceeded.
And I beg for it never to happen ever...

I have a confession.
I've never been frightened of anybody except him...

Trapped.

Trapped.


Did you ever feel like a wild bird,
that was trapped and kept in in cage?

A bird that wanted to escape from it's confinement,
but was never able to leave or fly far away because of it's owner.
And when the cage was finally open and it tried to fly free,
it didn't fly instead it was falling.
Failing to that hard cold floor.
The birds only way of escaping were it's wings.
Those wonderful, beautiful things that no longer existed
because they were clipped long ago.
Wanting to fly it couldn't,
fluttering and small jumps were the only way.
Warn out, tired, and exhausted it reached the window,
and as it was about to escape it was swooped up by it's owner.
Watching as it's freedom escaped it was put back in it's cage.

Looking through bars at the window of freedom.
The bird's beginning to realize that it's freedom,
will never happen...

Afraid.

Afraid.


Give me somebody to love,
almost anybody will do.
Somebody who loves me for me.
No lies, cries, or useless sighs.
Not this time I want something different.

I feel an akward aroma surrounding me,
wherever I go.
It's saying that the life I lead is just not for me.
It's calling for something more, somebody better.
He's standing right in front of me.

He's the one I want.
He's the one I long for.
But I'm afraid to get close.
I'm afraid if we do, we both may lose...
Please not this time.

Don't let this go wrong.
Embracing him is all I want to do.
Don't take that away from me.
I don't want to let go.... not this time.

I'm afraid...
I'm afraid to lose you...

My deadly sin.

My deadly sin.

Is nothing but one word,
and nothing more.
The word that eats me inside,
and teases my hopes and dreams.
A beautiful but deadly thing.

Love.

Mortified.

Mortified.


A distant lie,
with a close inspection of truth.
A hidden face,
with an exposed expression of grief.

Can I be any clearer?

Hiding in the shadows lie you and I,
a hint of light shines through crakes.
Revealing our eyes only for an instant,
secrets and truth are finally exchanged.

This is not about you nor I.

Seasons are forever changing,
it goes from life to death and
death to life, it's just the cycle.
The weak can't cut it, the strong survive.
Human nature and behavior
seems a bit extinct now a days don't you think?

Forget the life cycle what about our feeelings?

Rivers are always running,
ponds are always still.
The best type of water is running,
because it's always fresh.
While ponds sit,
never escaping their confinement.

What type of water are you?
And what type of water am I?

Truth be told.

Truth be told.


The truth is, I never really could decide,
what I wanted in life.
Or for the matter,
who I wanted to be with.
Seems that you and I had more in common,
then you thought.

I always hated when people began to say things such as...
"There's a time for everything," but
when will be my time?
"Death is everywhere," but
where will I be when he knocks at my door?
It's so idiotic...

"Why should I care," or "I don't know," or "I could careless,"
is my reply to almost everything that concerns feelings and such.
Truth is most likey I know why I care and I do care.
Almost silly isn't it?
I have no reason to care, but by my nature I do care more than I should.

What I want in life?
Who I want in life?
When will be my time?
Where will I be when he knocks at me door?
Why should I care?

The truth is, is that.
These questions, I can't answer.
But I could careless...

Dangeriously romantic.

Dangerioulsy romantic.


You and I we're the type that's hard to describe.
All those nights with flames of passion,
days that thunder with agruements.
A solitude within them both.

Competition arises from every turn.
Who's the best, I'm the best,
No, I can beat you anytime.

It seem that few words, never sufficed.
More were said then needed.
That's how things always seemed to be.

Firey tempers were well known between us.
Always seemed to get the better of you or I.
Ignited and terminated.
That's how it always seemed to begin and end.

The romance was great, but the passion was amazing.
The fighting was fierce, but the agruements were outrageously irresistable.

Never knew.

Never knew.


An empty chair in this vacant space.
Broken pictures with a shattered past.
Bare trees in their twilight of nourishment.

Casted away with almost no regret.
Running towards a neverending path.
Hiding from the misdeeds they've commited.
What's done is done.

I never realized, what you meant,
when you said.

"I never knew what I wanted in life,
except for this one thing that always screamed in my dreams.
You know I almost reached that never ending path and filled those empty voids.
A taste of that nourishment would have been sweet,
if your deadly extremity hadn't intertwined.
It was drenched with twists and turns and a bitter sent of happiness.
I never knew what I wanted in life,
until I took the misleading road that revoked my twilight of existance.
That misleading road, was you."

I never knew what you meant,
until my twilight of existance,
almost ceased to exist like yours once did.

See the world.

See the world.


Sometimes I wish,
You could see the world through me eyes.
Even if it seems as if, there's no point.

An overwhelming sensation of pain or solitude,
at times an exsertion of happiness or content,
seems to be my daily routine.

Thoughts consume my mind,
which sometimes feel as if they are driving me to insanity.
Dreams surround my thoughts,
teasing me knowing that they are unattainable.
Visions knock at my dreams,
inviting me to into nothingness.

Knock, knock, knock.
Who's there?
Your worst fear.
My worst fear and what's that?
Failure, emptiness, & no one but yourself.

Rain showers.

Rain showers.


"Rain, rain go away,
come again another day."
I say, if it were up to me.
Rain would never go away.
A warm rain,
with a thunderstorm,
on a dark night.
Is my kind of weather.

Dark and deary,
Waking up thinking it's still night.
The sun not shinning.
I'd accept that without a doubt.

Depressing? No.
Of course not.
Those are the days,
that make me feel like well me.

So can we have a day,
that's rainy and warm.
That's dark and deary.
A day, that would make me feel,
like I haven't felt in a long time.

Happy...

I was right.

I was right.


When I said,
"You're a bit short,
of a transcending flame."

But now I realize
your not a bit short,
your flame has already been extinguished.


The day you came into existance.

So baby, oh baby,
give me a chance and let me make your fire,

burn with desire and last for eternily.

I guess.

I guess.


I figured we'd never get ahead of ourselves.
With everything and all.

I presumed it would become something of the sort.
Almost like the way it is now.

I thought that things wouldn't get any greater.
Or for the matter worse.

I doubted a lot of things between you and I.
For one reason or another.

I questioned your feelings and mine.
After all the open gap between us was to great.

I suppose my intuation was almost right.
Almost... right about you.


Could I been mislead with your words of flattery?
Have I been mistaken about my feelings?
I guess so.

Basically put.

Basically put.


I believe, that your not the one for me.
But on the contrary, I miss you terribly so.

"The one" is not on my mind, finding my significant other,
isn't my main priority at the moment.
I'm sorry if I couldn't match up to your standards,
or anyone elses for the matter.

But that's not what I'm looking for.
I'm searching for something different, something unique.

There's always those people you have, to be there.
To ease the suffering or loneliness, and you were that,
along with my comrads and writing.
Though you were something more, I suppose.
But I'd like to say thanks...

People say, "Youth is wisdom and truth."
Youth is not wisdom or truth. Youth is foolish and unknowing.
In all honesty, we all are like that. Including myself.

And honestly,
there are several things that have been on my mind...
-You.
-Writing.
-Sanity.
-Along with other such things.


Basically that's what I have to say about everything.

And you expected what?

And you expected what?


What did you expect?
Me to come back, forgiving.
Your funny.

If you think,
you can get me back that easily,
you must be cracking a joke.

You didn't care.
So why should I?

But kid,
for some reason.
You're the only thing,
that's been on my mind.

If I could take you back,
I would, but you wouldn't.