I want you to understand.

I want you to understand.

You see I've become a sort of new person.
I've gone through transitions that I don't think many people have ever experienced in a lifetime.

I feel that this era, this period of time, isn't where I should be.
It's as if no one can truely relate to what I'm saying.
Now, I don't mean this as a cry for help or anything along those lines,
that's the last thing I need.

The way I view this issue, you ask?
People's minds are fickle and their answers are hardly clear.
We work on impluse and do whatever the hell we feel like doing.
Do we think of others? Hardly.
I believe the decision that's been made, is to benefit you not anybody else.

My eyes have seen more than enough,
Tasted a bit of poisen,
I've smelled bitter remorse,
Felt the touch of emptiness,
and heard everything I could bare.

I truely wanted you to understand,
to share this new found light with me,
yet you drew back in despair.
Because.

I always had this feeling you would never get far in life,
your eyes were closed off from the suffering that you caused.

You laughed at situations that never called for laughter,
with that your taste had lost all that was sensable and familiar to it.

The exaggeration and lies that came forward everyday,
seemed to alter your smell since now you've become to acostumed to your own foul stench.

Your hand always glided for something you were never supposed to have,
soon your touch had forgotten the true feeling of warmth.

The way you express your words into an unforgettable aggression,
made you loose your sense of hearing since now you only began to hear what you felt was neccesary.


Clearly I was mistaken,
I took your words to literal, I thought of them deeper than you intended them.
Your mind could never wrap around the words I had intended you to hear,
you on the other hand took my words the way I never wanted you to take them, literally.

Grown to love.

Grown to love.


We began really shaky.
I didn't know you and I was really shy to come up to you.
Like everyone else we had our problems.
In our time back in grade school,
I could hardly talk to you.
I felt stupid so, I turned my back on you,
and I didn't think I would ever try again.

Then graduation was done and I decided to start over,
this time in High School as a freshmen.
Was I scared? No, I was terrified.
First time I confronted you in front of 100 people.
I shook to keep myself from running away,
I used really simple words just to get by,
and once it was over I thought I'd just break down and cry.

Next a sophomore and this time I felt a little bit at ease.
I couldn't deny the fact that I was scared,
I still couldn't get over it.

Now a Junior except this time something hit me,
and I came across a whole new reality that I never wanted to admit.
You were my new type of addiction,
I couldn't get enough of you.
I looked forward to stand by you and for you to greet me,
not with just a smile, but also with open arms of acceptance,
knowing you would even if thousands of others wouldn't.
I no longer needed to hide my face behind paper,
or use simple words and rhymes to impress you.
Because you were my new passion, my new shelter.

You were everything I wanted, maybe even more.
But when you weren't around oh how lonely I felt.
How I ached to have you near.
And then yet again I realized something after all these years.

So I have finally mustered the courage to say,
In front of everyone in this room and
all those who happen to read this,
and any person that decides to listen that,
this theater, this stage is what kept me going,
because without her acceptance I couldn't have the courage to express my feelings.

I wouldn't have the courage.
The courage to say that without her, and without all of you,
heh I wouldn't be who I am today, I wouldn't be me.

Extinguished hope.

Extinguished hope.


My eyes have seen beyond life itself.
They have seen the very depths of hatred that came into existence.
They have witnessed the end of the time that stood beside you.

My eyes cannot stand what has come to greet them.
The countless lives that have been sacrificed for the sake of war,
The animosity that tore at our fellow brethren,
The starvation of our kin, who begged us for forgiveness,
The oppressors whom left thousands at the poverty level,
And the self inflicted violence that millions have done
in hopes to rid themselves of their depression.

My eyes have gazed upon the eyes of others and found that,
hope is no longer in existence.

Over the Top.

Over the Top.


My imagination used to exaggerate the simplest of thoughts.

Thus, I have come to a conclusion that
simplicity isn't at all simplistic.

Does that make sense? Oh god, now I'm just being rhetorical.

Here let me start over, to put it bluntly.
Over time I realized that "simple" things that stimulated my mind,
really weren't at all "simple."
In fact, there were probably the most difficult ideas that have ever crossed my mind.

These thoughts, these ideas were inevitable.
They were bound to come about soon or later.
Rather then sooner or later, never would have been sufficient enough for me,
yet that wasn't the case at all.

To complicate the matter, it appeared as though,
I felt compelled to carry out actions that never crossed my mind.
I began to feel that I was loosing my mind.
That everything just began to slip away.

Then it hit me like a bullet.
I had fallen into the trap called, "Love."

Individual.

Individual.


My jumbled words will keep you flustered,
My behavior will provoke your curiousity.
My thoughts will keep you intrigued,
with my every wish, will, and demand.

I'm the type of girl that you see strolling down the street and wonder out loud,
"What's her problem?"
While I turn around and shoot right back asking,
"Can I help you?"

I'm the type of person that could careless about what you say about they way I...

1. dress as in, ripped pants, tight shirts, and "battle armor" as in my belts, chains, and bandanas because I am my own individual and that's the way everyone should be.
2. talk as in loud, not obnoxious, but just so my point can be laid across the table. How I like to use my freedom of speech because not everybody has that and it's a privilege to obtain such a gift.
3. act as in the way I am, the way I work, I'm not somebody I'm not, I act the way I should and that's how I get through my everyday life.
and 4. feel as in how I vividly express my emotions clearly to somebody whether it's a undefining feeling of happiness, an overwhelming feeling of sadness and tears, or an unbelievable feeling of not necessarily hate, because hate is something no one should have but anger.

My jumbled words may not keep you flustered.
Maybe my behavior won't keep you curious.
But my thoughts, my thoughts will keep you thinking,
and will keep you wondering,
and will keep you asking,

"What's her problem?"

Initial.

Initial.


Originally my ulterior motive was to imagine you out of existence.
It was to disregard this entire thing, to plain and simply forget about everything.

I’ve never spoken this out loud but,
I've always had this overwhelming feeling of animosity that tore at me.
Hour after hour, day after day, month over month.

It consumes my thoughts, my actions, my every day life.
I’ve tried to conceal it, I’ve tried to deny it, yet nothing resulted except more distress inflicted upon myself.

Nothing seemed to work, nothing seems to be working.

Initially I never had a motive for anything.
Until I met you…

Frightened.

Frightened.


This never ending phone call echos throughout my ears.
Messages that have an undefined sense of sorrow,
pain, hostility, unrequited love, and possession.
Never want to abandon by mind.

The time has struck.
And I don't want this moment to come into existance.

Help me release my self-hatred for loving him.
Help me engulf myself in sincerity.
Don't let me live my life in fear.
Don't let me be driven by insanity.

The time has proceeded.
And I beg for it never to happen ever...

I have a confession.
I've never been frightened of anybody except him...